[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
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Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE