babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
You Might Also Like
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it