Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
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I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Britain be like
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that