Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
And then there were 4
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one