Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
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Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Every time my phone rings
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
Y’all know who you are.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
We need more people like this.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.