Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
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Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I ate everything, including the H.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Seals are just dog mermaids.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.