12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.