[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
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*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.