Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
The pen is writier than the sword.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.