I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
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Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
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Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!