I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
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did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
My blood type is coffee.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.