I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.