Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
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If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.