Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.