My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
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me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book