Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
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[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor