someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
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Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids