Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
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House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Can’t. Being lazy.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.