My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?