[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
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ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Breaking news:
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.