under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
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M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
Where is your GOD now????
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.