ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
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I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.