Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
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Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?