[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
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I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you