5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
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Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?