Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
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me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
What’s this sorcery? 😂
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Been laughing about this for about 5 consecutive minutes
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.