I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
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First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
*limbos under the caution tape
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.