Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig