I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
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People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit