[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
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We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”