My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
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Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.