So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
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“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Hello Twits.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.