[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
You Might Also Like
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police