With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
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You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team