This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
You Might Also Like
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.