Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer
me *on my deathbed: I doubt it
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.