No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?