MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
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Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap