My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
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I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
🤣😈🤣
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night