Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
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What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife