3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
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She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
If you breakdance you buy dance.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.