me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
You Might Also Like
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you