#DesignFail
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The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care