Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Pigeon open mic night.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’