It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
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me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.