I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
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Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
yea so i messed up lol
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.