Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
I didn’t realize that was an option
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows