*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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Human are so complicated
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Meow?
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.