It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
You Might Also Like
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My Guy
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Best misinterpreted text ever!
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.