If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
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Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
That’s amazing.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
What a chick magnet..
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.